Cover letter for a writing submission to a literary magazine

To whom it may concern.

I am writing to you today in hopes of being “discovered” as the genius that my grandma keeps telling me I am. She tells me she has an eye for these things, in case that confuses you as much as it did me, she is referring to her intuition and not her cataracts. Anyway, I've been writing short stories since grade four, which I think speaks to my fortitude considering I am now 29 and repeated grade 6 twice. I think you'll find I stand out above all the other submissions you receive because I have noticed with my eyes, my real ones, most writers are dark, everything they write is so sad or intense, well not me, I am shallow and I use humour to cover up what would otherwise probably manifest into those typical submissions of angst you constantly receive.
Now I know you state on your website that I should expect to wait 6 to 8 months to hear back from you but I am going to put a couple gold stars on my envelope so you know it's a really special submission and then you can get to it sooner than you normally would. You should know, my writing is already quite famous, I've kept a blog for the last 6 years and it has, to date, had over 300 hits. As well, I once became enraged over an article I read in our local paper and my feedback was printed in the paper the very next week. Don't worry, my success has not gone to my head, I'm very grounded, you will find I am a joy to work with as long as you don't try to make suggestions about how to improve my work. If you were a good writer you would be submitting not reading submissions, let the artists to their thing and you do yours!

Sincerely,

Amanda Stevens

Kind of like..

Antonyms of dramatic: insignificant, boring, natural, unaffected. I share this knowledge from my thesaurus with you as a reminder to those people, you know who you are, who have called me dramatic. I will assume if you are calling me dramatic you are in fact rejecting any held beliefs that you yourself are of the dramatic variety which, by default, means you are insignificant, boring, and unaffected. Yes, I left out natural for dramatic affect.
I have found in my life time as a "generation y" baby that people are not easily impressed, shocked or impacted by anything less than the absolutely bizarre. The more fantastic, sensational, dazzling, strange, marvellous, queer and extraordinary your adjective base, the more likely you are to be received whilst relaying your otherwise dull, tedious, insipid, flat and mundane account of whatever it is your expressing.
Now that we understand one another, or more importantly, now that you understand me, I'm sure you're looking forward to reading any and all that I have written, which is great because I have included some prolific poetry about death written in the fourth grade which I believe after reading, you will all champion my interests of being held up as a literary prodigy. On a similar note, I have always had a fascination with Mensa. Is that common? I assume we all want to be included in a club that comes with intellectual notoriety known around the world, am I wrong? I guess that depends on what you value, I once saw a dating reality show for people with extremely high IQs, they put all these geniuses in a room with lightening not even attractive people would stand in and left them to their own social devices. It was like watching acne faced orca whales being courted by apes that haven't seen their own penises since ice-cream started filling the emotional gaps. What I am saying is, if you value beauty over brains then yea, this pod would not interest you but for those of us that recognize the potential to be an unattainable goodness in a sea of misfortunate hair cuts and thin upper lip hair, Mensa has endless potential. Kind of like when you attend lesbian events because you're pmsing and need reassurance of your superiority.
Why am I writing this? Well, if you must know, I keep a blog and there is a lot of pressure on me to post as often as I can to maintain my readers. Ok, reader, but everyone starts somewhere and fine, his or her's anonymous comment on my blog page, "you're hot! keep it up" probably had nothing to do with my writing and more to do with that photoshopped picture of myself in which I removed my acne and five o'clock shadow, yet it is still a fan. So here you are dear reader...a post for your perusal.

Moonlighting

The moon has left me in charge of the night, there is no manual and I was not properly trained for the position. I am not sure if the gig pays or whether or not I will be eligible for benefits should I be required on a regular basis. I understand most on call and casual positions do not cover your dental but hello, how many people moonlight as the moon? haha get it? Anyway, truth is, I have insomnia and I am bored so I am making up weird stories about the moon catching a nasty bout of the flu from the stars, well, the north star to be specific…I hate to be a finger pointer but someone never washes his points and well, it's just plain rude to go around poking at the moon's craters with all those germs on you. It's rude to poke at the moon anyway I suppose, but especially when you haven't washed your points. That's how the moon got sick ya see? Now here I am, floating around in the black abyss, I do not give off any sort of light so should someone in Italy start singing, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie" there is going to be a really awkward moment when those Italians realize there is no moonlight and therefore, no amore. Someone will probably get dumped, file a complaint with the milky way and boom, next thing you know I am lucky to get on as a temp in some low level constellation.

Eden

It's been said it was in Eden, and that it was love at first sight
But I knew that when I saw you that the story wasn't right

I didn't bite the apple and I didn't part the sea
But when I saw you I gave up a part of me

You brought me to my knees and made me understand
And when the world was flooding you pulled me onto land

I stood at your mercy and you stood so righteously
You taught me to be humble as you pulled an apple from the tree

I never understood it as I was hungry too
But as you bite the skin my sins were all on you

The sun came up again and the sea it parted ways
And two by two they left the ark in the longest seven days

You inspired my existence and then left me with the core
My sins were all forgiven but I had nothing to live for

The world was under heel and we stood high above
You sacrificed yourself for me but sacrificed our love

Its been said it was in Eden, and that it was love at first sight
But I knew that when I saw you that the story wasn't right....

You are....

You are my strength and my weakest spot...

You are my teacher and the lesson taught...

You are my dancer and my every move...

You are the question and the point I prove.

You are my shoulder and my every tear..

You are my courage and my every fear..

You are my voice and my silence too..

You are the reasons I am in love with you...

Fish in a bag

His breath reeked a mixture of marshmallows and hp sauce, he leaned in, lips slightly parted and kissed me with a carelessness that left me to wipe his spit from the corners of my pursed mouth.  What is it about cold weather and falling snow that makes people want to nest on the couch with a lover?  Eating everything in the cupboards like hibernating bears who can’t turn away from the infomercials now entertaining the quilt I have pulled over my head in hopes that when I pull it off it will be summer and HE will have brushed his teeth.  

I admit, I am a bit of a moody person, I like to say it is because I am an artist.  It is always worse when I have had plenty of time alone or in silence, I am not quick to acclimatize to people again.  I am like a new fish being introduced into a bowl with other fish, I need to remain in my bag of water within the bowl for a couple of hours before I am settled with this new place with these new fish.  If someone was to just carelessly throw me into the tank with the other fish I would surely eat them and then float to the top of the bowl.  This pretty much sums up my dating life.  

This latest fish has just returned to the bowl from a two week business trip in the Middle East.  This fish designs and builds playgrounds.   Maybe because the media has only allowed me to see places like Bangladesh and Jordan through its poverty and war that I am still awe stricken that they have thought to spend millions on custom built playgrounds imported from Canada.  Good for them, I am not judging, just surprised.  

I want to ask the fish about his trip and I am curious to know what a playground in war torn Israel would consist of but I am still in my bag.  I am still furrowing my brow and avoiding sucking in air through my nose, angry that they apparently have playgrounds in Middle East but no mouth wash! 

He gets up, annoyed that I am so cold to him, upset that I didn’t run up to him crying and wrapping my arms around him at the airport.  What did he expect?  Have you ever tried to drive in Vancouver during a snowfall?  He locks himself in the bathroom, I hear the water hissing from the shower head, thank you!

A few days later he comes by my house to collect the few belongings he has sentimentally stored in my drawers and bathroom.  He collects his socks and underwear from “his” drawer slowly, hoping I will beg him to stay I am sure.  I say nothing.  He mopes his way into the bathroom and drops his toothbrush into the bag,......really?  NOW you remember you own a mouth sanitizing utensil!!  Isn’t that always how it goes?  They come to you a mess, you train them and then they go off into the world with their new found minty fresh breath and start blowing bubbles at all the schools of prettier, younger fish.  

The snow falls again today in Vancouver so I called in sick to work, curled up on the couch with my quilt and turned on the infomercials.  

"We're open if you are"

A letter to the CEO of Chapters Indigo when she pulled "Mein Kampf" from her shelves and the city of Vancouver was in an uproar.  Heather Reisman replied to a handful of people across the country who challenged her and much to the humiliation of my boss at the time, I was one of them.

Heather Reisman,

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" -George Santayana. 

When I came into work this morning I was very disappointed to learn that you had recalled, "Mein Kampf" from your stores.  Although I understand your reasoning I feel it is a direct denial of people's right to read whatever they wish to.  It appears to me and MANY others (our phone has been ringing off the hook with complaints) that the corporation is dictating what people can and cannot read based on "our" opinions, beliefs and values. 

            Although the book may bring with it several painful and offensive visions of the past, the fact is it is just that, the past.  It happened, it is a HUGE piece of historical literature dating back to March 21st, 1939 when it was originally published. 

  What is being accomplished by not having it on our shelves??  If the answer to that is anything like then it won't look like we as a company approve of his literature then you need to start pulling a lot more books!  There are far more offensive books on our shelves.  Or if you think it will give people ideas that will manifest into some sort of communist movement then your insulting society's ability to create a clear hierarchy of values for themselves.  We sell books on how to make bombs and ecstasy but I don't think we as a store could ever plant the idea in a person's mind to start their own ecstasy lab! 

   By having the book available to people we would not be disseminating Nazi and Communist ideology, we would simply be offering them another piece of literary history to increase their knowledge of the past and fulfill any desire they have to understand the mind of a historical figure whether it be Hitler or someone less controversial like Homer or Plato. 

            I just think when you are as large of a company as you are you have a responsibility to ensure you are keeping an open mind as to what people may want to read whether it appeals to you and your value system or not.  If we started eliminating books based on whom they may offend you won't be left with much of a book store. Controversy exists and the fact that it exists is the essence of pluralism.  I believe our web page even states, "We're open if you are."

 You cannot control the views of society, it is literally impossible so why hinder their potential for learning?

 Believe it or not I do understand why you would not want to have the book on your shelves, it's Hitler's Manifesto!!  But I do hope you understand the side of the situation I have tried to articulate to you.  I myself have issues with supporting Hitler's writings but in the same breath I am a huge fan of history and would never pass up an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of such a historically significant peice of literature. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this email, 

Amanda Stevens